accidental flares of love burst through the atmosphere

Dead poppies and manmade lakes and what love is

poppies-2 I have spent the past 3 months checking the website for the Antelope Valley Poppy Reserve bloom predictions. I have thought about those poppies every time it rained in the past 3 months (I mean, 4 or 5 times, which is sad even by LA standards). I was so excited when the last bloom report stated that it was a beautiful year for poppies!


THEN we had a week of 90+ degree weather. The day Pep and I planned to go, I woke up, looked at my phone, and saw this headline: "Famous California Poppy Bloom Destroyed By Unseasonable Heat." We still made the drive, but it was an actual poppy graveyard; all the petals were on the ground, burnt to a crisp. It was still worth the drive because it was a perfect day to explore; everything was very green and the sky had lots of dreamy clouds and it wasn't hot. But there were no poppies. The hill in my first picture is supposed to be orange!

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Silly, but worth noting because it's so nice to have someone know how my brain works: when we pulled over to eat the lunch Pep had made for us, he took out a bag of sunflower seeds and said, "I don't know how you'll feel about these, because I know you hate spitting but it's Fox Mulder's favorite snack..."


In other news, this fucking lake is right off of the 5 freeway and looks like it's not even the United States. We stopped for a few minutes so I could geek out over it. I thought this man-made lake with a congested freeway next to it was way cooler than the poppy reserve, although I'm sure my mind would change if I had seen more flowers.

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I said I wasn't going to blog for a while, but my brain promptly did the obnoxious thing it does best, taking whatever I decide and saying, "fuck you, I do what I want," so I've had an enormous desire to post lately, I'm just too tired/too busy to do it.

I had a small mental breakdown last week. Not really so small, honestly. I'm at a strange turning point. Work is the main cause of it, but I'm also noticing that things and people that used to make me feel good just don't do so anymore. I've changed so much in the past few years and have gotten to know myself so much better that now it seems silly to do anything that doesn't make me feel great or improve my life in some way. People I used to see all the time have all but disappeared because I simply do not feel happy when I'm with them anymore. I've also given up drinking at bars because I have 2 settings when I do: "I want to go home," or, "I'm blackout drunk and stupid," and I hate both of those options. I don't miss any of these things; in fact, I feel relieved to not have to deal with them ever again if I don't want to. I have precious little room for anything that doesn't bring joy into my life.

I spend much more time with Pep than without him, but a lot of that time is spent saying nothing because neither of us need it. It's nice to exist next to someone, to have quiet support if I need it, to take a break to laugh or vent or explore or think or fuck or work, but then fall back to the default of being blissed out in our own sweet silence. He is, at the very least, the greatest friend I could ever ask for.

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And if you're wondering what it was that created such a mess in my head, go here: Go.College. We launched a fucking TLD with an entire checkout process and account center. Almost every single person on this team is under 30 years old, including the CEO, and we're all learning as we go. I am the only designer at this company (thought we do have front-end developers that are fantastic and lend a hand whenever/wherever possible), and the sheer size/deadline of this project put me in tears a couple times, but we fucking did the thing, and doooo you want to hear the best part? It works, and it is really successful! I'm not even halfway done with designs for this project; what we launched was just the most basic version of what we wanted, but it's still great and I actually feel proud of it. I've never been able to say that about something at this job before. Progress :)


Road Trip: Arizona