I'm overly connected. I usually don't notice, but when I do, I notice hard. And so I unfollow a couple hundred people on Twitter, stop using Facebook, and ignore all the people I know in real life that make my skin crawl from irritation. I even told a few friends to stop shit-talking other people to me, because I don't want to care. I can't think of a single thing less important on this earth than talking endlessly about other people's flaws. Why do that when there are so many ideas and places and concepts and other beautiful and interesting things to put our energy into?
Being more positive isn't what I'm aiming for by doing all this, but I'm sure everyone assumed that already lol. The only thing more positivity would accomplish would be to make me top-heavy, falling and flailing all over the place, led by my big oblivious head. Not to say I want to be an Overly Negative Person either, stuck to the same spot on the floor that I was stuck to yesterday because my ass is too heavy with negativity to go anywhere new. I just want a balance. LIFE IS ABOUT BALANCE YOU KNOW?
I might be doomed to be the kind of person that will always be just slightly misunderstood. I can't tell if that's because of the way I am or the way other people are. When I wake up in the morning I feel a bit like I'm walking into a gallery of different artists' renditions of my own body and rolling dice to choose which skin I'll pull off the wall and wear for the day. It's always different because consistency is confusing and uncomfortable to me. It's why I become intensely attracted to people that require a lot of untangling and brainwork; if they're full of inconsistencies, maybe they'll also understand mine.
It's only a problem when I spend long stretches of time feeling like my untangling is getting me nowhere, and I end up feeling a bit lonely. So many people are so easily figured out and somehow have no issues finding the friendships and relationships that they want. I know how many strange layers I have to my personality, and so I put it all out here as honestly as I can, and even with my help, most people still don't understand it. I'm probably just meant to only run with people that seek a really severe challenge. I seek the same. That kind of consistency is necessary.
A small group of us went on a reeeeal serious Los Angeles road trip yesterday, taking photos along Mulholland, winding through Beverly Glen, drinking a lot of Jameson at Casey's (and solving the mystery of the Banana Cream Pie!) and trying to find the ideal 110 overpass to flash traffic (didn't happen, sonofabitch), and then walking along the semi-deserted boardwalk in Venice that night. I was home by 10 and spent the rest of the night editing photos and listening to Beck's Sea Change album with the breeze ambling in. It's been a really great few days.
Last night I dreamt about you. A lucid dream, no less. You brought a herd of cows to happy hour that lay down, inconveniently lazing around between the evening drunks. You weren't talking to me, but I felt drawn to your loneliest cow and so I turned around and sat with it and it put its head in my lap. When I realized I was dreaming I thought, "I should give this sweet little cow a name." And sleep-Hanna called that cow Bailey, because she wasn't sure if it was a boy or girl and lucid-Hanna didn't really want to investigate.
Seems like a pretty easy analysis to me: I think you have a lot of baggage but I can quickly find something to love about it.