With all the stuff that's going on in my life you'd think I'd sit down at my computer and instantly know exactly what to say. I go through stages where that's possible, and then there are weeks or months like the current one: I shoot the breeze with a blank textbox while I wait for the melatonin that I'm taking to kick in, even though I can't really pull out a single thought from the jumble in my head. I'm taking melatonin because I had to call in sick on Monday. I had to call in sick on Monday because I stayed in my bed for 7 hours on Sunday night and slept exactly ZERO MINUTES. NOT EVEN ONE FUCKING MINUTE. I've been having some trouble sleeping lately but it's nothing too annoying; I usually get 6-7 hours a night and wake up feeling a little sleepy, but a morning espresso takes care of that. I've only had one night like this before, and it was because I (STUPIDLY) drank a Neuro Sonic at work when they first came out, not knowing that it was basically speed mixed with crack mixed with 5,000 mg of caffeine AND ALSO POISON. I understood why I was sleepless that night. I do not understand why I was sleepless on Sunday.
I notice a lot of *things* lately. I take vitamin D for my skin, because my skin has always been awful. It occurred to me one day that my skin always clears up after a day in the sun, so I bought a bottle of vitamin D on a whim and took one each night. For the first time since I was 10, I wake up in the morning with a healthy complexion. I researched it a few weeks after I started seeing results, only to find a ton of people praising it for the same reason. I take fish oil for my eyes, because 90% of the oil glands on my lower eyelids don't work and I am therefore perpetually dry-eyed. I have to buy No More Tears detangling spray for little kids because my hair is so baby-fine that all I have to do is turn my head and I'll develop a knot. I have to buy Origins Zero Oil moisturizer forever and ever, because it's the only moisturizer I've ever used that has properly hydrated my skin without making me break out. Whenever I go on a plane ride of any duration, I am GUARANTEED a week of problematic skin. Still haven't figured out how to conquer that one.
Being a human is weird.
I notice myself getting older, but I also notice myself knowing myself really, really well. Nothing bothers me very much. Even when I feel angry, I never act out of spite. Getting older feels nice; it's a version of myself I've been missing without even knowing it wasn't there.
I'm going to be 27 in 30 days. 27 isn't old, but it does leave me feeling a little bit nostalgic for parts of my life that I'll never get to experience again. My 10 year reunion is next year, and I am very unlike most of the people I graduated with. I have no husband or kids or house, nor do I want any of those things. I don't have a date to bring with me and introduce to everyone. Conversationally, I think I vibrate on a different frequency than 90% of Franklinville. I'm not even sure why I'm going or why I'm already thinking about it, but I already know that I'll be there because I love Franklinville.
I bought a flight home for September 7-9. It's only 2.5 days which is not enough, but it's something. I couldn't stand the thought of going a full year without hugging my parents, and with this London trip in October inching closer, the only other time I'd be able to fly home is for Christmas. A year is a long time. 2013 has gone by so quickly, though. Maybe it's because I've been so happy?
I've been remembering all of my dreams lately. I always wake up laughing from them. I may have no athletic ability and I may not be able to roll my Rs and sometimes I'm not very nice, but I have a very interesting brain.
So melatonin it is, then.