My love for the month of May began when I was just a mini-Hanna; the maple trees in Franklinville don't develop substantial leaves until late May, so it was always around that time of year that I'd finally start to feel refreshed after 6 months of very snowy and very cold Western NY winters. Even in LA, where the trees are green all year, I still feel more like myself in the spring. My favorite running path has been completely consumed by blooming trees!
Last night I texted my Mom to tell her that being in this still-very-new relationship has made me realize that I've never been treated the way I needed to be treated by anyone in my past. Ever. Most of them had really sweet intentions, but they still missed the mark. I'm just a very difficult person to date despite my constant need for things to be simple.
It's interesting, the habits I've developed in relationships. I'm conditioned to feel tremendous guilt whenever I don't want to see anyone, even though I'm largely reclusive and can only truly relax when I'm alone and my world is quiet. I don't know why I ever thought that being with someone meant I'd always have to sacrifice that major part of myself. That's not what it means at all. It just means that, until now, I haven't dated anyone that actually understood it. Through all of my ranting and learning about introversion over the past couple years, I discovered a big internet bubble of people just like me, and I felt so understood in that bubble that I forgot that finding people like me outside of the internet is still very, very hard. Proooobably because we're all ignoring everyone and enjoying the world inside of our own heads instead of interacting. I am, at the most basic level, a very happy loner. It's so great to not constantly feel guilty about that. HAVIN' A BLAST OVER HERE IN HANNALAND, YOU GUYS
Once upon a time someone asked me if I needed a controlled environment to be happy. I found that question cringe-worthy at the time, but I think it's true to a point. I don't need a controlled environment to be happy when I'm alone because everything is perfect when I'm alone. Nothing bothers me when I'm by myself. But the moment another person wants to interact with me, I automatically become aware of every inch of the room, every sound, every face they make, every reaction, where the exits are, what I'd rather be thinking about or doing, when the conversation will end, what to say next, how I appear to everyone around me, and it all just makes me itch. There are always exceptions to that, but I'd be a big fat liar if I said it didn't happen for a solid 75% of my interactions with other people.
With that said, if I seem to have latched onto you very tightly, it means you're the 25% and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being you. I desperately need people like you.
I dunno if anyone has ever heard of Daniel González, but his photography is so fucking GREAT and I can't stop looking at it. All of the women I draw are always naked, mostly because I find it absolutely bizarre that this culture has such a *thing* about women being topless. It's fucking skin! It's skin that feeds babies. I just don't get it. The mood that he captures in these photos is similar to what I often feel when I'm compelled to sit down and draw. All photos are from his website. I highly recommend scrolling through the "Pain" link; that section made me feel really uncomfortable which is always welcomed with art.
(They say to love is to bury those demons from which we all hide)