accidental flares of love burst through the atmosphere

You: Part 4

This is the final part in a 3-part project. For other posts, go here! You may notice that I've skipped number 3. I thought about it for a while, and decided that he just wasn't on the same level as the others. I had all of the posts for this project drafted within the first week except for his. I didn't know what to say, so I suppose I'll just say nothing. I'm pretty ready to stop reflecting on these people anyway. 4! 4 was a mess. I was so in love that I drowned in it. I lost myself and it practically destroyed me. I met 4 through "work" - he was my internship supervisor, and later a boss at my first job. We only spoke on the phone for months; I was still in college (busy being his intern, you know) in NY, and he was living in LA. The first time we met in person, the night ended with the two of us on stage with Grace Potter and the Nocturnals at Higher Ground in Burlington, Vermont on New Years Eve: myself playing the cowbell and him dressed as a fairy, blowing fog out of cans. We had spoken so often for work purposes that it had become comfortable and friendly. Every detail of that night is still so clear to me.

I jokingly texted him, "Go to bed, beautiful," as I sat in Burlington's airport at 5 in the morning, ready to fly back to Buffalo after a whirlwind night. The response I received was, "if anyone's beautiful....."  That was it. That was my blackout point. That's all it fucking took!! I know that he's a big part of the reason why my life has gone down this particular path, but I also know that it was that specific moment that made me lose control, and sometimes I wish I could take it back.

He put together a company that spring and offered me a job. Im still freaked out by how all of that shit fell into place; I had no idea where I was going to go after college, and he sort of just...scooped me up and handed me everything I needed to be a functioning adult. That was probably part of the reason why I fell SO hard and SO easily. I flew out to LA only one time before relocating (!!!). I stayed with him for 4 days, and I enjoyed myself. One night we stayed up late talking, and he abruptly ended the conversation and said he needed to go to bed. He later told me that he did that so that he wouldn't kiss me. The day I arrived for good, he picked me up from the airport, hugged me, and said, "I'm going to take good care of you." It was a Friday. The two of us went to Saints & Sinners that night to celebrate my arrival, and a few hours later biked back to his apartment after one very nervous kiss at the bar that was half alcohol-fueled and half tension-fueled. We had a brief discussion on his balcony in which we agreed that it was a bad idea and couldn't happen. We turned to face each other, and he made some stupid joke that made me say, "that's unfair." I will never forget the look on his face; I watched him switch gears right in front of me. He said, "what's unfair?" And when I had no response, he took one step towards me and suddenly we were kissing again and he was leading me through his balcony doorway onto the spare bed that I was staying on.

The next couple of years (yup.) were bad. Bad bad bad. I won't go into the details of it, because once I start I can't stop. It's still dangerous to me. We're on OK terms now (unless he reads this! LOL look at me, my blog is still getting me in trouble after all these years), but goddamnit, it took such a long time. The "relationship" I had with 4 was ALL passion and no heart. I never find myself in fights with people, but this is a person that I found myself in a screaming match with on multiple occasions. He. Made. Me. So. Fucking. Mad. All the time! And vice versa. I pissed him off. So many times. And he never loved me back, at least not in the way I loved him.

What I gained: ...a career path? Sure. He introduced me to a ton of good music, too? Haha if you'll notice, the positives are few and far between here. We did eventually chill out a little bit and now we can communicate like human beings. But we don't talk often, and that's fine with me. I suppose I can say that I gained the knowledge of what pure passion can do to two people. He's the only one that I've ever felt that sort of passion with, and I've wondered on more than one occasion if I'd ever feel it with anyone else (in a good way, instead of the shitstorm that I threw myself into).

What I lost: respect from others, respect from myself, confidence, a few friends, intelligence haha, happiness, a year or two of my life that could have been spent on better things, 8 months in Los Angeles that I couldn't see ANY beauty in, and more!

On the bright side, this playlist is my favorite one of all. He has flawless taste, and this one is an even blend of both of us.


01. 2080 (Yeasayer) 02. By Your Side (Sade) 03. Tenderness (General Public) 04. Thank You Too (My Morning Jacket) 05. California Soul (Marlena Shaw) 06. More Than Friends (Estelle) 07. UMI Says (Mos Def) 08. Broken Chair (Luna) 09. No One's Gonna Love You (Band Of Horses) 10. I'm Amazed (My Morning Jacket) 11. Little Bit (Lykke Li) 12. Come Over (Estelle) 13. Infinite Possibilities (Amel Larrieux) 14. Squeeze Me (Kraak & Smaak) 15. Bruises (Chairlift) 16. Cindy Tastes Of Barbecue (Luna) 17. Look (Sebastien Tellier) 18. Didja Know (Groove Theory) 19. I N I (Amel Larrieux) 20. You Told A Lie (Camera Obscura) 21. He Wasn't There (Lily Allen) 22. Evil Urges (My Morning Jacket) 23. Gold Lion (Yeah Yeah Yeahs)

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And don't make my fucking mistake!!!

I figured everything out, and then I met Gillian Anderson

To anyone who has ever thrived on RAGE