accidental flares of love burst through the atmosphere

All in the golden afternoon

drawing by @fffilth I leave everything behind. I change everything.

I am familiar and comfortable with the rituals and curveballs that attraction creates. I thrive when I'm in physical or emotional transit. The distance of the trip between the solitary version of myself and the version that is totally head over heels for someone is short and direct, naturally making it the path I travel more than any other. Once I get there, I put my bags down and stay for a while. Love is the only thing that ever sways me. Maybe I haven't quite made it home yet from the last trip that I took.

I made a fairly clumsy exit from my relationship. I spent over a month feeling indifferent about it. No hatred, no attraction, no anger, no jealousy, no lust, no resentment, no excitement, just nothing. I thought it could be the right thing at first, but it wasn't. I so wish it could have been, but it just wasn't. I am so thankful for him; he showed me that the understanding, comfort, and ease of conversation I know I deserve from a relationship actually exists. Until him, I wasn't sure that it did. But I made a good decision for myself. I'm proud of myself for recognizing it and sticking with it. Farther than I usually get, ya know?

While I was trying to figure out what to do about things a few weeks ago, Mike and I had a conversation about how I put people on pedestals when I can't have them and that's what makes me fall in love. I thought about that for a long time. It seems fitting at first thought, but I don't think it's accurate. The people I fall for are on pedestals, but it's because, in my eyes, they are perfect, flaws and all. They eventually become superhuman in my eyes, but I fall for them instantly. And I always get what I want, it just doesn't always stay very long. I always get a taste of the love that it could turn into, and I've always fallen long before they make the decision to stay or leave.

I thought I was free from a particularly strong set of The Feels that I had earlier this year, but in my newly available state I've found myself surrounded by feels once more. It's not sad or frustrating, I actually just feel happy and am letting whatever it is come my way at a very slow pace. I feel like things are simple and lighthearted and meaningless and that's it.  Maybe it's the calm before the storm, or maybe we've actually learned a lesson. I dunno. I only know that I'm not ready to ignore it.

Déjà vu

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