accidental flares of love burst through the atmosphere

Trouble Child

gas-giant-5 I thought about making a "WELCOME TO MY NEW BLOG" post and then decided I didn't care. Welcome, here I am. Here we are. I'm playing catch-up because so much has happened in the past couple weeks (including a new blog/new brand entirely, yes, HELLO!). On Sunday, Rhi and I went to see Gas Giant, an art installation at MOCA at the Pacific Design Center that blew my mind. It was created by Jacob Hashimoto and consists of about 10,000 hand-made kites in paper and bamboo that essentially create an entirely new world. My only regret is that I waited until the last day, which happened to coincide with Pride weekend in LA so there were a ton of people trying to see it. I wish I could have gone and sat quietly with it for a few hours.

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The upper level of MOCA was in color, but the lower was all black & white. The exhibit was only those two small rooms but I still feel like I didn't do it justice with these photos. There was so much to see. Isn't it so crazy that this existed in someone's brain? I think about that a lot. We never know what the people next to us are capable of. They could be creating this 2 feet away from us, laying it all out in their heads, and we'll never know. I'll put the rest of the pictures from Gas Giant at the end of this post.

Saturday I explored. I haven't done that in a while, so it was nice to take my camera and wander. I wandered right over to Record Surplus and bought myself Joni Mitchell's Court And Spark on vinyl for $12 (how odd, that album just started playing as I typed this), which is an album that was really missing from my little collection.

I'm flailing lately. In the past year I've fixed/improved almost all of my issues from a work perspective, and a lot of that is because of a truly fantastic working relationship with my manager that is making me feel more valued than ever at my job; it's so easy to want to try new things and work harder when I'm being understood as an employee. But holy shit I am really struggling with it in my personal life, even though I have friends and a boyfriend that understand me. I don't even know what to do to fix it. Something just feels off.

So I'm flailing around, trying to find the reasons behind the things I feel/do, and I've figured out a little bit but I've mostly come up empty handed. It's taken me a long time to reach a point where I can accept that I have a lot of flaws that need to be either celebrated or addressed rather than hidden. I never thought I was perfect, I just always thought I had to be perfect. When I put that kind of pressure on every single fucking area in my life, what does it even do? It certainly doesn't magically make me perfect, it just makes me stressed out and pressured by imaginary things. Not good. After embedding that in my head growing up and well into adulthood, I'm not even sure I can turn it around, even being as aware of it as I am. When I notice myself doing it and try to force myself to stop it, it just makes me feel like I've completely lost my ability to think. I suddenly have no thoughts about anything, and we know that's not very much like me. It's becoming rather apparent that I can't address the issues I have with myself BY myself, so what do I do? Therapist? Maybe. But I'm too independent/stubborn to trust that anyone else could possibly know what's good for me, so I'll probably just...keep blogging about it for the next 40 years. Add me to your fucking readers and blogrolls, friends, we're gonna be here forever wwoooo!

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Here's something I know for sure: I got hit by a deceptively large wave on Memorial Day and my iPhone took a leisurely swim in the Pacific Ocean. I proceeded to go a week without a phone until I could shell out $700 for a new one. I'd love to say, "it made me realize I don't need technology!"or, "I'm going to put my phone down once a week and go out in nature!" etc etc, but I am just not that person. Those 7 days lasted for-fucking-ever, and I sincerely hope that never happens again. I will happily spend time in nature and I will happily give my eyes a break from staring at screens all the time, but I will be doing it with a phone in my bag, thank you very much. It will just STAY in my bag now when I'm at the beach. One would think I'd have learned my lesson after losing 2 cameras to sand damage, but no. No. Hanna Doesn't Learn.

More Gas Giant:

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